tired businessman
karen calls me dad. says its a term of endearment. im like a father
figure in her life. that older, wiser, more rational. a lot of the time
i even feel that way. supporting my friends. (how much money does ben owe
me? driving so many people places. so far so often). people see me as all
rational, cool, responsible. and i guess in ways i am. working at clemente.
five days eight hours every week. coming home shaggered. tired. wanting
to go to sleep. all this debt. worrying about money. my future. seen as
serious.
the tired businessmen talking in the bathroom the other day. how their
life had become so monotonous. wanting. needing some kind of career
change. mid-thirties. maybe forties life crisis. and i try to be aware of
that. am aware of how much i want to avoid that. but these morals i cant
seem to outgrow. about being honest, hard-working, supporting myself,
not living off others. keep trapping me. writing here on a lunch break.
when id rather never have to think of something so hideous as a lunch
break. living a life alive with no need to take "breaks". i cant even
maintain a smoking habit. getting all rational when my lungs start
to hurt. funny about the grass on the other side. so many of my friends
wanting so much to quit smoking. but cant. and i. i cant keep it going,
with this rational, logical mind. need to break free.
muse@musespace.com