part six
we have no ground to stand on. starting from the
beginning. the beginning of all relationships.
here we are again. sitting in a triangle. april.
jen. me.
as we walked between the three trees. spinning around
as triangle passed triangle. each passing each other. then sitting.
trees behind our backs. branches intermingling in the sky above.
no answer.
later in the woods. jen lying on april cross legged.
sitting next to april. as we watched jen tremble. moan. pleasure.
then. a hand on her neck. her breast rubbing. while april. i.
our hands intermingling. intercoursing. while i rubbed jens breasts.
vigorously. and then kissing april. while jen. like making love
to two at once. then down lower. as i reached into her stockings.
no underwear. april watching. jen. pleasuring. a head against
her chest. aprils against mine. my hand in jens pants. then. i
have to get up. my legs. falling asleep. jen lying on bare ground.
april lights a cigarette. walking down the path out of view. a
minute. two. too dry. enough jen. im going for a walking. jen
left lying. recovering.
walking on a trail. april. sitting staring. i walk.
sit. each facing into the triangle. only two people now. no words.
as she stares at the ground. staring into distances. leaves break.
june is coming. i hear. jen. time to go. and what was there to
say.
later. walking to seven eleven. jen. stomach sick.
on couch home. april and i. alone talking. then outside. waiting
for her father. april. i. jen. later jen said it was like looking
in. will it always be like this. you and april. me on the other
side looking in. what was that in the woods. april looking in.
no jen. not by far. you dont always look in. and soon no one will
look in.
# # #
party in cinci. a memory. and lauren found a memory
of me from new orleans. then. people getting drunk. skins calling
lauren broad skirt chick meat. screaming. sexist. different views.
then robin. screaming. taking over laurens fight. spits in face
of a skin. lauren brought inside. screaming its her fight. let
her fight it. this isnt punks versus skins. its personal. why
is robin involved. then. elliot getting mad. grabbing nightsticks.
trying to get outside as people hold him back. lots of discussion
everywhere. skin grabs someones boob. anger. anger. anger. screaming
here. there. ken jumping in. wanting to fight. calm down. no fights.
robin gets knife and chain from kitchen. noah forces her to couch
in middle room. what the FUCK are you doing. you know what happens
when someone pulls out a knife? it becomes a knife fight and
someone dies. knife. chain. wrestled out of hands. people simmer.
calm. skins go downstairs to drink more alcohol. tension stabilises.
we leave. and see no more.
# # #
i have begun to die. not physically but mentally.
everything. everything disappearing. losing all touch with meaningless
things. random things. stupid things. fake things. everything
has to be real. meaning. conversations have to be intelligent.
deep. things so practical. if something doesnt provide you with
food. shelter. clothing. why do it. no more superfluous things.
my life is becoming living. dying. nothing else. by trying to
put meaning in. you take all the meaning out.
# # #
scott is a character. lives on the streets. upscale
houses. squats. whatever. he likes. rich things. women. every
night. gonna get some ass. dont want no sister ass either. charms
them. tells them what they want. to get them back. and on their
back. most realise. and leave. some stay. new woman every night.
gonna get some tonight. so he says. sometimes he does. hes smoothe.
chats them up. flatters. acts interested. in the end though i
think women know. and they either like that. or run away.
deep down. inside though. different. deep down he
needs someone. someone to talk to. someone to care for. a girlfriend.
in a mental institution. cares for her. in his way. a woman he
meets. takes it slow. he likes her. not just some piece of ass.
really cares. but these women are few. and he is not yet tame.
but soon. soon. (soon is a relative term).
# # #
the next day. as jen writes how she wants to kill
herself. as april comes over alone. reading letters. past. present.
future. and yet she didnt seem depressed. so we talk. talk. talk.
hours.
triangles are complicated. is there any way out of
this. who knows. so we sit. and talk. for this to work we must
understand each other much better. an intimacy not dreamed of
before. one person needs not know anyone. understand anyone. not
even oneself. two people. more. for it to work you have to understand.
yourself. the other person. things you never have to face single.
three people. so much more. even more intimacy. understanding
yourself more than you ever have. others more than you ever have.
there can be no jealousy. total understanding of the other peoples
feelings. desires. needs. thoughts. we must be as one.
is it possible. drop it. and someone suggested we
go back to the way it was. all friends. strangers even. but it
cannot work. we can never go back. unless we never see each other
again. and thats just running away. we have to solve the triangle.
the mark is made. and it can never be fully erased again.
(and now as i type this months later. i see the faults.
how i didnt understand myself. or jen. how april could see. but
hoped. and in that didnt understand herself either. or me. or
any of us. we all learned. about ourselves. and each other. and
i havent seen either for the longest time now. they are strangers.
but i remember.)
have you ever noticed april. that when we sit. its
always two and one. never three. i naturally sit with jen. you
away. or like last night. me. you. jen across. never three. new
arrangement. we must sit as three. not two and one. until later.
always you. or jen. in the middle. but always three. we must sit
together. sit together to be together.
and no more names from the past. no more henry. no
more june. no more anais. you. or jen rather. takes on the role
too seriously. uses it too much like fate. takes the comparison
too far. no more roles. we are free. we are ourselves. together.
and i asked. because i wanted to hear it from her
lips. yes. jen. and april. seeing each other. last night. before
the woods. when they talked alone. the triangle is complete.
so we took the pencil analogy further. playing with
kneaded erasers making triangles. we dont have the same level
of relationship with each other. so we have to strengthen. jen
april. april i. so everyone is equal. but jen. delicate. balance.
two possible ways. april gets closer to jen and i at the same
time. april gets closer to jen. then closer to me.
forget understanding. takes too long. well get closer.
strengthen the bonds through sex. its quicker. we dont have time
to wait. until we each understand. each other. ourselves. too
horny to wait. so either jen. april. together alone. or all three
at once. jen. april. more comfortable starting alone. so be it.
and now i wait.
# # #
living in a squat in philly. a house. flat. apartment.
nathan clogged up the toilet. too much shitting no flushing. scott
wigs out. breaks into apartment upstairs. we now live there. running
water. electricity. carpet. cable if we can find a tv. six now.
john. rachael. anne. scott. paul. myself. i work on south street.
artist. begging for money. selling paintings. scott runs scams.
paul. we live like a family. anarchy rule. anne. i. paul. buy
food. feed the family. we sit around at night. talking. getting
drunk. getting high. scott wants to make films. paul used to do
music. rachael goes to college in the fall. i leave in september.
john. scott. bruce. jay. forming a band. practise in the abandoned
theater down the street. we live in the ghettos. drug dealers
sell crack on the corner. this is life. here. now.
# # #
people think not having a job is easy. the good life.
the simple life. people who are able to work should work. people
who dont work and can are lazy. what they dont realise is how
hard not working is. when you dont have school. and dont want
to degenerate into a vegetable. fed by alcohol. drugs. television.
books.
working gives you something to do for eight hours.
to keep your mind occupied. your hands busy. it tires you out.
and gives you an excuse to be a vegetable for those other six
or seven hours of your waking life. come home. eat dinner. do
a bit of housework. sit down watch tv. or read a book. every night.
better yet go to the bar directly after work and get drunk. same
thing. your day lifes a routine. so why not your night life. only
on the weekends do you go out. break the routine. the average
person only has to live eight or nine days every month. and half
those can be used up going to sunday services and doing saturday
morning housework. how many people dont even go out on those nights.
dont have someone over. dont remove themselves from their addictions.
their routine. sit at home getting drunk again. go out and rent
a movie for the tv. or. like every night before. or. or.
(most people complain they never have the time to
do what).
living without a job. or school. or anything routine.
forcing you not to think. over and over again. or thinking about
the same things. or thinking the same way each day. solving the
same problems. the same type of problems. when you dont have that
you have boredom. pain. an attempt to escape. creativity. outgoingness.
a need to do something. its hard. no words. words arent working
now.
# # #
confused. and yet things are so much clearer. tonight.
april. linda. todd. i. walking through the river barefoot. across
the bridge. mystical place. later on. fighting. tearing off clothes
until we all were naked. then. closer. later. linda. todd. on
the couch. april. i. floor. touching april all over. no touch.
close your eyes. fingers lightly gliding over her skin. and. she
tries to pull me closer. but still. no. then. yes. rolling on
a condom. but then. too tight. hurts. wait. lets see. this. and
this. outside okay. no sex. fine.
then. thinking. knowing how i love each. or do i.
april. but still. so different. jen. turns me on so much. sex.
after effects. april. not so much. aroused. but not like jen.
not the same level. but to hold. and hug. and intermingle hands.
so much more then jen. april. mental. jen. emotional. bonds. both
physical. but different. and i need them both.
and now i understand why april needs jen. why i need
jen. because then. while reading this book. she wanted to destroy.
to hurt something. but she couldnt. logic. wanting to scream and
claw herself. rip out her hair. (cut her wrists?) but she couldnt.
too logical. and thats why we need jen. different aspects of the
same self. jen is our emotional. fiercely so. illogical side.
we need her. balance. we all balance each other. and i need april
to understand the things jen cannot of me. and i need jen to give
me feeling. why april needs jen. needs feeling. illogical. emotion.
earlier. trying to break the triangle. this mess.
you see. it can never be broken. except with extreme hurt. i need
jen. april needs jen. and jen needs us. we cannot make the triangle
equal. it is not. different relationships. different reasons.
but the reasons are good. we must find the relationships between
each of us. april jen. april i. never so intense. the physical.
as jen i. april jen. jen i. never so intense. the intellectual.
as april i. different relationships. different aspects of the
same self. we are one.
# # #
rumour has it he used to deal drugs. carry guns with
an oriental. now he runs scams. cons. credit card numbers taken
from dumpsters. money machines. a phone call. an address. computer.
tickets. furniture. money. whatever he wants. knows where to get
the free food. free housing. has connections. free movies. free
whatever. living outside the economy. even society sometimes.
outside the law.
# # #
getting high last night. four hits. hands gliding
though the air. no resistance. like space. floating. on the bed.
energy. rushing through my body. moaning. heaviness. orgasming.
music. techno beats. faster. bouncing. hands. body. dancing. faster.
faster. john flashes a lighter. a strobe. eyes opening. closing.
blinking to the rhythm. other personalities. sinking into the
wall. high.
# # #
squat. busted. i live next door now. safehouse two.
run down. paper falling off walls. toilets. baths. torn out. lying.
beds covered with plaster. falling off ceiling. walls. third floor
wall caves in. time to clean up. dirt everywhere. electricity.
so i sleep on a couch on the first floor. people clean rooms as
they want them. no running water. no lock on the door. but i wont
be there long. safehouse one still exists. except no electricity
water. barricaded now. we dont go in there much. cops came with
landlord. people ran to the third floor. across the rooftops.
some got wakened by police boots. kicked out. no charges pressed.
we broke in later. got the rest of our stuff. things ok.
# # #
jeffs a con artist. he lives in a six story abandoned
school near south. he works on south. searching for young naive
women to scam. take him back to their house. so he can get their
money. or jewelry. whatever. he has the sweet innocent face for
it too. scott says a lot about jeff. they used to be partners.
doing scams together. derelict. thats what he calls him now. they
broke up on bad terms. now jeff scams alone.
# # #
and then it all fell apart. walking through the streets.
thoughts echoing in my mind. i am the destroyer. i have destroyed.
i am the destroyer. i have destroyed. going crazy. must get to
bens. must write it down. record it. must remember. i am the destroyer.
i have destroyed. suicide. cars. walking along the sidewalk. road.
so close. just a step. gone. but no. so much destruction. no more.
no more.
then the realisation. no matter how much good. always
evil. always balanced. all the good i could do. can do. have done.
is wiped out in moments like these. by the evil. so balanced.
the realisation. not the words. or the meaning. the feeling in
my chest. my heart. knowing. no escaping. trapped. no point of
life if its true. it is. balanced. and i go insane. repeating.
repeating. i am the destroyer. i have destroyed. i am the destroyer.
i have destroyed. but i cannot kill myself.
earlier. linda. shouting. and all i can do is cry.
want to cry. but i dont. staring out. being destroyed. as i know
what she says is true. she never wants to see you again. she hates
you. i dont want you to talk to her. or write her. or even look
at her. youre scum. you use women. you used her. like you used
jen. was it all just a game to you? was it? i despise you. i
hope you die. id kill you myself. id like that. but why ruin my
life. im disgusted you live on my street. disgusted you live in
my state. disgusted you live on this coast. you should have stayed
on the other one. i dont want you to ever. ever walk past my house.
and if i ever see you again. youre dead. words fading. coming.
fading. nodding my head. knowing shes right. tear out my eyes.
i want to tear out my eyes. rip off my ears. i want to feel pain.
and nothing else. ever again. i hate myself. and i stare. crouched
by a car. staring at her boots. as she looms above. goes away.
comes back. kicks me. thank you. i want to die.
todd. crouched next to me. is there anything you
need? and i look at him. silent. because i cant talk. and only
one thought rushes through my head. april hates me. and i grab
him and cry. wail. daemonic screams of pain. like a child. holding
him so tightly. falling to the ground. crying on the wet ground.
water falling from the sky. (or had it stopped then?) crying.
ask her if i can write her. ask her. so he leaves. returns. maybe.
she has to think. but i know. we both know. we can never see each
other again. or talk to each other. or communicate in any way.
then the triangle reforms. and the pain comes back. the troubles.
it didnt work and it wont. gone gone gone. make sure she doesnt
hurt herself. pulling on his sleeve. he leaves.
and i didnt have time to tell her. how i still needed
jen. and then linda. she didnt understand. the triangle. how could
she. interfering. it never should have happened. and she saw jen.
i. her legs in my lap. she thought i was. all april i. no one
else. yet she said she knew. and we talked. then they talked.
then april i talked. explaining. unbreakable love. isnt that what
she called it? we both knew. no other way. i dont know what to
do. she did. so she brought us. jen i. im ending it. im here.
no here. no here. so far away. no triangle. and if i never have
to see either of you again. so be it. and that was the only end
in the end. it had to be. but the pain. so much pain. for her.
and my world collapsed.
need to get to bens. need to get to bens. but i couldnt
talk about it. i didnt even know what happened then. walking streets.
night. knocking on a door. recording. then to my sewer pipe. to
sleep. i cant go home tonight. i cant. dont know when i can. ive
got to go to new york. leave. think things away. away from this.
tomorrow. and i left the day after that. but i saw jen before
i left. and i said. because i couldnt handle the destruction.
destruction i had done. and she was going after this guy. another
boyfriend. another triangle. and i cant handle it. were just friends.
goodbye. im leaving for new york.
and the pain remains. echoing in those moments. i
hurt someone. and i hated that. (because i cared for her so much).
breaking. broken up. my mind did. we are. alone and separate.
and it was the first time i felt such pain. i hope it never happens
again. i must remember. i am the destroyer. i have destroyed.
# # #
fiftieth anniversary of lsd. san francisco. 1015
folsom street. we got there at ten. angie. trevor. erik. mark.
rich. and i. robert anton wilson was just finished speaking. the
music came on. the lights up. dancing. spinning mirrors. we found
a place to sit. a man comes on. intense. drama. speaking. with
a video on the television and a drone. music behind. he spoke
of evangelising yourself. telepathy. contact the mind of yourself
a year from now. brainwash yourself before someone else does it
for you. anger. hatred. love. intense emotion. intensity. speaking.
screaming. and then it ended. more music. dancing. next.
illusion of safety. images flash on a large screen
behind. as guitars. rip. synthesizers pound. pound. pound. a factory.
with a large press pounding. to the rhythm. hard industrial. as
old sixties films play on about communism. the bomb. nuclear attacks.
moral degradation. exploding mushroom. as the music plays on.
angie. trevor. now speeding. now tripping. pounding music. stop.
dance. lights. waiting for crash worship.
slowly. slowly it begins. the festival. crash worship.
beethoven music played in the background. a demonstration of fire.
as a man lights paper in his hands and plays with it. red lights
flashing. frequencies not meant to be seen. so much quicker than
a strobe. and the world moves. then. drums. a horn. the parade
marches through. half naked. covered in mud. and paint. drums
playing. powder drops. ignites on the ground. flashes. here. there.
drums. and once again the dance begins. as the parade progresses
to stage. crash worship begins again.
# # #
we are taught. those who are older hold wisdom. we
should listen. learn obey. and at twenty i see it true. being
wiser. than fifteen. or sixteen. and can even imagine. wiser folk.
older. but then i see. also around me. in myself. in those younger
people. something older people do not have. not a knowledge. or
a wisdom. but a way of thinking. thought processes that cannot.
if ever. be understood by elders. though given to us by them.
each generation is taught to think. in a way. coinciding
with a philosophy. the philosophy of their parents. but philosophies
breed philosophies. and new philosophies form from old ones. our
parents can form new ways to think. but cannot think completely
in that way. as if that was what they were taught as children.
so any philosophy rooted deeply in that way of thinking is lost
to elders. our parents often cannot understand the way we think.
because we dont think like them. our mental processes can be explained.
never fully understood by them. felt in the heart.
A way of thinking based on cognitive dissonance cannot
possibly be understood in the heart by someone who rejects the
concept of cognitive dissonance existing for extended periods
of time.
jump. jump. jump. click. click. flash. new image.
now. click. do you understand? linear thinking. no longer. mtv
generation doesnt have short attention spans. just think. quicker.
nonlinearly. more connections. neural. spatial. more intense.
processing. click. click. able to generalise quicker. more accurately.
easier. so lots of images. form an idea. single image. understanding.
in the end we must look to the younger generation.
to listen for our problems. our answers. teaching them to think
in ways we cant. solve things we cant. ask the younger the answer.
in the end you have the experience. the knowledge. but they know
how to use it in the best way. because theyre the improved model
of thinking. and by the time youre an adult. the way you think.
obsolete. look to the younger. the younger think the way we want
to think. after learning what was wrong with the way we were taught
to think.
# # #
south street. like sixth street. lark street. the
drag. east village. decatur. half a dozen others. hanging out
on the corner of fourth and south. where i draw. to make money.
theres the people who live there. hang out there every day. come
by. say hi. drop off food. whatever. the people from the suburbs.
other parts of the city. who come to shop. meet people. hang out.
talk. the tourists. shopping. seeing the sites. whatever. intermingle.
# # #
somewhere. kentucky. daniel boone national park.
the rainbow gathering of the tribes. men. women. walking around
topless. nude. standing. with wooden staffs. balls hanging. drummers.
ten. twenty. sitting around a fire. beats. people dance. as the
drummers drum. people stirring large pots of food in the kitchens.
water trucks coming. going. people sitting on traders row. trading
goods. sitting. chatting. people smoking pot. handing out free
acid. staring at everything as they walk through. tents everywhere.
people hanging. hitching rides in and out of town. to the showers.
to the lake. working. playing. living.
at sunset. right before the sun goes down each day.
the conch shell is blown. and council is held. everyone finishes
what they were doing and goes down to the meadow. in the canyon.
each person. stands in the circle. and holds hands. and screams.
council begins. the person with the feather speaks. what is on
their mind. about the days events. things that concern the tribe.
the tribe then discusses. decides. after council. dinner is held.
everyone eats together. as a family.
other councils are held throughout the day. cooperative
council. lunch council. breakfast council. another council. you
attend the ones you want. some councils tell you where you can
help the tribe. or organise different aspects. others give you
news. during major arguments. special councils are held to sort
out personal differences. if not resolved. trial is held.
social life revolves around the fires. people sit.
talk. drum. dance. play. at various kitchens activities are held.
some you play chess. checkers. dance. sing. during the day. seminars
are held. in a meadow. times are posted. anyone comes. anyone
speaks. there is a stone circle. a healing circle. and main circle.
where people meditate. heal. think. cleanse themselves. sweat
lodges for men. sister circles for women. a shower is down the
road. a lake where people swim naked. dive off of the rocks. play
with the logs. night time people party. dance. get high. then
sleep.
people work too. kitchens prepare food. people help
cutting. dicing. pealing. gathering firewood. chopping wood. building.
keeping fires lit. getting water to cook with. to drink. to wash.
cleaning. people go into town for needed supplies. gather money
to pay for the tribe. provide information. or hugs. or love. for
those in need. people work to make everyone happy. to keep the
tribe alive. and when everyone helps. no one works hard.
# # #
a pit. with people dancing. sometimes moshing. shirts
torn off. water thrown. the wine passed. a pagan ceremony that
happens. every night. wherever they are. and i dance. beat. beat.
rhythm. dance. flash. like mardi gras. but no fire. not as organised.
different again. smashing into people. flesh against flesh. wet
sticky sweaty flesh. screams. chants. then people crawling on
the ground. underneath people. between flying legs in the pit.
starting to grab people. pull them to the ground. kiss. feel.
touch. the orgy begins.
first a few people. then more. flesh. flesh. people
grabbing. kissing. biting. scratching. male. male. female. female.
male. whatever. everyone becomes bi. everyone becomes sado-masochistic.
kissing a girl here. making out with a guy there. biting her neck.
then the pain. cant move. covered in people. hands. feet. dodging
a head side to side. trying not to be smothered. to move. something.
feeling as if my leg would break. so much pressure. screaming.
but no one hears. the drums. so loud. screaming. then moving.
up. toward the top. swimming. biting. kissing. as people start
to rise. and dance again.
and then the drumming stops. the dance is over. so
we wait. some leave. a drum is brought out. a loudspeaker says
to leave. but drumming starts again. as more drums appear. people
dancing. the loudspeaker announcing. the show is over. leave.
but crash worship plays on. and we dance. drums. electricity cut.
utter blackness. darkness. but the drums play. and people dance.
not leaving. finally the lights appear. the drums stop. it is
over. it has changed lives. angie. trevor. mark. so in awe. amazing
experience. the night is done. and we go to sleep.
# # #
somewhere. walking though sketchy streets. women
with tight leather skirts. hiked up. heels. men sitting on steps.
staring. further. no one. streets empty. old factories. warehouses.
silence.
an address. stopping. down steps to the basement
door. and in. red light. somewhere. silk black. strips falling
from the ceiling. move through. more strips. the walls. dark.
intricate. gold laced. the silk caresses my face. my hands. pressing
against my clothing. soft. pressing forward. a hand. gentle. guiding
me. pulling through the cloth. the silk. the softness. a room.
deep. exotic. violet. spruce. deep patterns. soft white light.
ceiling. carved of ebony. smoothe. hard. intense. the hand. a
woman. flowing. white. raven black hair. smiling. gesturing. dark
silk pants. a shirt. she vanishes.
wandering through another doorway. a young handsome
man. tall. black tux. white shirt. towel draped over an arm. leading
to. a table. exclusive. dark. forest green. the walls. made of
fabric. a meal. rose water. kidney pilaf. some sorbet. rice. a
lamb stew. a sweet paste served in a bowl. desert. tasteful. the
palate. satisfied. leading to. another room. a woman. beckons.
incense burns. sage. juniper. smoke rising. being molded by the
warm air. pressing. pulling. wisps float toward.
a woman. sitting on a futon. finely crafted. brightly
coloured. arabian rugs. hanging. placed on the floor. she sits.
silk trousers. blouse. quietly singing. a language. a tune. foreign.
music begins. a quiet background melody. swaying. like jazz. jazz.
two claps. the man brings in a hookah. for two. a mat. to sit.
soft. sinking. she smiles as she smokes. handing a pipe to me.
humming to the music. smiling. smoking. as i smoke. some strange
mixture of spices. cloves. sage. nutmeg. cannabis. opium. relaxing.
sinking. smiling. i smile. as the room sways. her face changing.
so beautiful. so beautiful.
time slows. speeds. passes. like a memory. the music.
so loud now. the woman. now dancing. in front of me. belly. exotic.
she swirls. and twirls. rotating. in. out. around. in. out. around.
watching. erotic. her hips. thighs. hands. so perfect. standing.
dancing to her. with her. closer. closer. bodies touching. the
music faster. holding her. moving with her. next to her. silk
against silk. sliding against skin. my body. tactile. feeling.
the smoothness. rub against. press. her softness in my arms. i
must undress now. she asks. i do.
slowly she moves to the futon. motioning. asking
me to lie there. relax. on my stomach. she hums. humming. as her
hands glide. rub my back. a strange oil. smelling like flowers.
on her hands. on my back. as she rubs. presses. massages. kneads.
in. out. over. again. pressing. rubbing. oil seeping. across my
back. into my skin. making my back tingle. energy rushing. her
hands to me. the rubbing becomes lighter. until barely. no touch.
rolls me over. again. the front. her smile. as she rubs. my chest.
my legs. i am hard. she smiles.
deep wet kisses. across my chest. on the insides
of my thighs. down my neck. my feet. my penis. hard. pulsing.
to the rhythm. of the music. of my heartbeat. of her hands. pressing.
rubbing. harder. deeper. her thighs. hips. rotating. as she presses.
rubs. harder. deeper. harder. pressure everywhere. as her shirt
slides. her pants. naked. moaning. pressing. my eyes. flickering.
suddenly. inside. her hips on top of me. up. down. rotating. in.
out. i thrust. side. side. up. down. in. out. harder. harder.
breathing. heavier. hers. mine. panting. screaming. she throws
herself at me. i grab her. we move. as one. up. down. in. out.
harder. faster. scratching my arms. scratching her back. biting
my neck. harder. harder. wet. and then. inside. i feel. massage.
fingers. rubbing. pressing. enticing. in. out. up. down. moving
to the rhythm. faster. harder. the music. louder. louder. vision
blurring. eyes closed. heavier. harder. a moan. a gasp. the fingers
spasming. inside her. against my penis. harder. a scream. spasm.
energy flows from everywhere. my body. energy. running. electric.
erotic. spasms. and then slower. movement. stops.
lying. the music plays. softly. dreamily. as she
hums. to sleep. the sage. juniper. still strong in the air. as
lights dim. and i sleep.
# # #
sitting in a locked car. no lock. no door handle.
grid of metal. staring at. john. freakstar. sitting next to me.
staring at the cars. passing though the roadblock. talking. we
didnt do anything. freakstar. do you know what they can do to
rachaels car? to everything. admit the pot was yours. they already
have paraphernalia on you. why let us all be charged. it was yours.
but no. he wont. the paddy comes. one by one. taken out. handcuffed.
round the waist. placed in the paddy. three. four. eight. ten.
talking. what theyd get you for. you a local. what are our rights.
john. i. sitting behind. rachael. emily. still able to touch.
kiss. but wondering. worried. thinking.
driving. as people shout how they cant do this to
us. bits of the law they broke. one guy starts kicking the screen.
the ceiling. but they dont have to read us our rights. not anymore.
laws change. and we are not lawyers. stepping out into the detention
centre. what do you have in your pockets. name. information. follow
me. a glance back. at emily. at rachael. at john. into the drunk
cell.
people drunk. picked up for alcohol intoxication.
dry county. start talking to a brother. rainbow. invalid drivers
license. suspended. shares his blanket. talking all night. sometimes
sleeping. never knowing what is going on. i find two pieces of
paper. draw. using cigarette ash. the cell. the circle back at
rainbow. home. breakfast. not bad. pretrial guy comes. interviews.
goes to judge. we go. play basketball. being released. unsecured
bond. check out. john. rachael. emily. waiting outside. already
released. freedom.
# # #
lollapalooza. the forum. talk tent. people talk about
sexism. racism. homophobia. my issue more important than yours.
because im female. and not black. or black gay. who cares about
sexism. harassment. the fight is futile. sides divided. the sexist.
racist. homophobic. united. against those trying to change views.
as one. people oppressed must unite. fight for all causes of oppression.
not only their own. its the same cause. people who are different.
differentism. but no one sees. they say sexism. bigger problem
than racism. or i dont care about gays. i want equal rights for
blacks. divided we fall. divided we fall. unite.