part nine
another last night on maudlin street. police sirens
outside. mydian squat. my home. the cops came today. probably
come again tomorrow. arrest the stragglers. hanging on. ive packed
my bags. tomorrow i find a new squat. leave my family here. maybe
leave new orleans. i hear the dogs and wonder if theyre coming
for us.
smoking my last clove. i think i fell in love today.
but she left. on a train back to her home. her name was fire.
and i grow tired of always running. leaving. people
leaving me. i want to find a home. to stay. to live. and have
those i love around me. three sleep in the next room. as i will
too. until the dawn. when its time to leave. again. again.
# # #
i have no right to tell someone else what to do.
unless in doing so, they will hurt me in some way. i can question
them. talk with them. try to change their decisions. ways of thinking.
but only if they want to listen. want to entertain my questions.
i can tell them my experiences. my thoughts. even what i think
they should do. but if. once i cross that line. of trying to get
someone to do something. and forcing someone to do something.
whether physically. mentally. or emotionally. that act of force
is wrong. no longer within my rights. each person has the right
to make their own decisions. and is responsible for the consequences
of those decisions. and giving up that right. to make decisions
for oneself. is also a decision. with consequences of its own.
which in their turn must be accepted. but the right once relinquished.
can always be reclaimed. at any time. for this is the nature of
rights. but the consequences incurred when the right was given
up must be dealt with nonetheless. do what thou wilt, an harm
none.
# # #
my friend silk searches for a man. it is the green
man. of ancient legend. lost in antiquity. a man in a shop gives
her a small carving. bits and pieces elsewhere. searching the
legends. leafy. his face is like a tree. is he? elf. pixie. jack
in the green. she saw him. and then julie. seeing. both tripping.
but he is real. he is bon gumbo of the swamps. robin hood of the
forest. he has become many legends. and still he is himself. the
green man.
to julie. so evil. he comes to her before something
bad will happen. and tells her. dont worry. it will all turn out
alright. and then something happens. bad. but it all does turn
out alright. and he returns. and reminds her how he told her.
not evil. just.
# # #
julians last night in town. stuart and i go. search
for toby. as a going away present. toby coming. unsuspecting.
then. some alcohol. to ply the will. and relax into instincts.
i touch none. yet instead. a half bottle of a&p robotussin.
and the night begins with julian louis stuart miriam marilyn raymond
kelli toby myself.
marilyns apartment. where stuart who dates marilyn
who dates miriam who dates julian who dates louis all live. and
i slowly begin to robe as julian plays with candle wax and louis
gives tarot readings in the corner of the room. julian dripping
wax on miriams arm. then shirt off. on her back. hot wax dripping.
pouring down her back. then a run of cold water freezing it still.
as miriam moans and groans in ecstasy. i watch her chest heave
up and down and my dick gets hard.
julian scratches the wax off miriams back. i am already
playing with the candles. he asks. my shirt is off. hot wax is
pouring down my back. the light touch. caress of fire echoes.
i am robing now and everything is so intense. stuart and raymond
scratching off. the blood they draw replacing the wax dripping.
so good. except when raymond bites with his nails so deep. the
pain. and then they ask to whip me. so i agree. and i didnt think
theyd use the crucifix. only once. the pain. but i turn it into
pleasure. still. the dark red mark of a cross on my spine. as
everyone admires the handiwork.
lying across raymond and stuart. as they play with
my chest. my hair. teasing them. knowing i am not that way. but
letting them play. sensuality overwhelms me. and i pull stuart
down to kiss him. long and deep. then raymond. i finish one and
i grab for another. julian. then toby. sitting in the corner of
the room. and kelli next to him. so sweet like chocolate. a memory
of a kiss of someone else.
miriam asks. can we suck your blood. everything so
intense. yes. miriam so hot. she takes my finger. with a razor.
a slice. begins to suck. as the blood flows out. so erotic. the
sucking of the blood. burying my head in miriams breasts. as she
sucks. and passes my finger to marilyn. stuart. raymond. louis.
julian. tonight many suck of my blood. and it keeps pouring out.
miriam again. marilyn. as i take miriam down and begin to kiss
her. she is forceful. with a bite of the lip. she bites mine.
even more. people drink. finally. stopping the blood. a band-aid.
and stuart and i go out. to wander bourbon. it is only ten. and
the night is young.
later. walking down bourbon at three in the morning.
side by side. vampires walking through the streets of new orleans.
stopping to talk to the wolven who works as a doorman at a strip
bar. i see raven. and brag how he didnt get a chance to kiss me.
so he does. miriam flinging him a dirty look. and we walk on.
miriam leads. as i sometimes walk by her side.
walking home to sleep. the sun is rising. i meet
raggedy along the way. coming back from checkpoints. next door
to mydian. we stop to fill our water bottles. but a creature.
a cat stops us in our tracks. on the porch. wailing. crying like
a child. its face contorted. like a human face. shrieking. like
ive never heard a creature scream. a cat. it stands hobbled. looking
as if its leg is broken. all thoughts of water forgotten we move
on. it stands and runs behind the house. as we enter mydian. down
the stairs. to sleep. (later shadowbear calls it a tree witch....)
# # #
lying in the cool grass i can feel the earth alive.
breathing. i can feel its gentle heartbeat. i want to have sex
with the earth. i want a hole to put myself into. to become one
with the earth. to feel the earth. to feel. and become. become.
become. and come into it. become.
# # #
tomas is a man. raised by the italian gypsies. a
magician. like his father and his father before him. svengali.
he says he used to rob banks back in italy. here. no money in
it. too sketchy. the bible says take what you need he says. he
isnt one much for religion. but he believes in this part. so last
week he had a brand new suit. now leather jacket. jeans. backpack.
he takes what he needs. and talks to everyone. in broken italian
accent.
# # #
mydian. by others known as esplanade. it was a blue
house. an old southern mansion right off the corner of villere.
there was main house and slave quarters. the gutter punks lived
in slave quarters upstairs. some later moving to main house upstairs.
or the attic. the older homeless lived downstairs slave quarters.
bam bam. a guy from glass house. others. we lived downstairs main
house. which was mydian. the living room used to be a ballroom
back before the house was made into apartments. a large ornate
carved plate. several feet in diametre. where the chandelier used
to hang. still attached to the ceiling where the middle of the
room used to be. ancient. concrete molding with horsehair could
still be seen running around the ceiling. large. now boarded.
bay windows looking out into the yard. holes now in the wood so
we could watch for police.
when the house was made into apartments all the ceilings
were dropped. so i built a room above the bathroom. the ceiling
had been dropped eight feet from the original. same with the kitchen.
above which became another room. other rooms were cleaned out
as time went on. trash thrown in the back room. where the fire
had done its most damage. we tore up the carpet. had hardwood
floors. a bookshelf with all manner of fantasy and occult books.
a mirror with candles and makeup. so the ultra-goths could make
themselves up each day. artwork drawn on the walls. found art
objects surrounding the room. a couch. chairs. bean bags we picked
out of the trash. we had a closet with a wardrobe found out on
the curb. some brought with. a walkman attached to a speaker was
our stereo. toby and will would shoplift tapes. we had all of
christian death. the cure. always listening to dead can dance.
others. craig bought oil lamps and oil. we were a family. who
supported each other. and sat around each night and talked. or
went out. as people came and left. until more left. and the police
came. the family. separated. our home. lost.
# # #
The Centre of Creation is Paradox.
# # #
to perceive. interactions between people. juxtapositions.
silent conversations. the body. the eyes. the difference between
what is said. and what is really said. so fabulous. when you meet
someone who you can talk to in that way. without words. a look.
a smile. and yes. you both know. observing interrelations of others
around. him. her. yes. you know. watching stories unfold. while
others sit unawares. and missing it when you have no one to talk
to like this. the need to communicate. have someone understand
you. in a way others do not understand.
rene is one of those unawares. hes never learned
to listen. to talk. to watch everyone and thing. understand what
is going on. watch how the relations between people change as
they move about a room. he misses the subtlety. and as he says.
there are many things he does not get.
then. as tabitha says. sometimes you can be so wrong.
i could be smiling at mary and joe stumbling over words of new
found lust. and you. you could be watching the cat play with joes
shoelaces. joe unaware. and were smiling at each other. knowing
we know what each other is thinking. but we dont. i see mary and
joe. you see a cat. but we both see each other. smiling. so wrong.
# # #
the night of the full moon. luke. stuart. marilyn.
miriam. tripping. fire. earth. water. air. as they sit on the
river. watching the moon rise. watching the dead washing up onto
the shore. then rising. miriam. staring into a window pane. she
sees other peoples lives played out like movies. more. more. brief
scenes flashing by. millions of peoples lives. then a creature
approaches from the distance of the glass. wearing sunglasses.
casually taken off. eyes burning red. a daemon. smiling at miriam.
then. as luke and miriam sit. miriam holding felicity. the cat.
all three watching as stuart and marilyn. slowly and sensually
fuck. the cat. miriam. luke. entranced. the world shifts.
# # #
the gypsies last year. so different. than those now.
louis. a full-blooded rumanian gypsy. he says he murdered an old
boyfriend. but gypsies lie. and cheat. and steal. playing mind
games. everyone. everything. he steals four hundred dollars from
marilyn and leaves new orleans. to see a friend in tennessee.
so he says. he has no friends here. anymore.
and yet wendy. a gypsy. same tribe as louis. telling
fortunes in jackson square. so friendly. nice. offers to help
louis. but he lies to her. his own blood. she likes him. asked
him once. would you marry. american girl. gypsy girl. he told
her. american girl. rather boy. but he tells only what people
want heard. and she was a good christian. living with her mother.
remembering the old ways. all gypsies are different.
# # #
raven. a man stranger than fiction. in mydian. he
was lord. father. squat daddy. so many conversations. so many
times. born in england of a wealthy family. raised in the upper
crust. private schools. voice lessons. some time ago he was in
the army. when i knew him all that had gone. living in a squat.
things he had to do there. to accomplish. his mother lived somewhere
in new orleans. a rich house. pool. he knew much about the world.
took what he wanted from it. married twice. divorced. he loved
her enough to let her go. he knew the games. for a year no sex.
then. in a week. nine different men. a woman too. he was a teacher.
an enlightener. with both evil and good in his heart. yet he was
also an illusionist. and i was one of few who saw through parts
of him. yet so much unsure. so much mystery left. which is why
he fascinates. i will understand more. when i see him once more.
when i left him he was finishing. getting ready to move onto a
new world.
# # #
ever crack a hundred eggs. all in a row. one right
after another. a hundred eggs look a lot the same. sitting in
rows in a carton. one egg like every other egg. but when you begin
to crack them. you discover each one is different. in its own
little way. some eggs are bigger. or smaller. taller. rounder.
more thin. more fat. some have harder shells than others. so you
have to hit it several times. others split straight open at the
slightest tap. some shatter. others break in only a few pieces.
the amount of yolk. or egg white. whether it has that little white
part attached to the yolk. all different. some even have blood
inside. such a simple repetitive looking set of objects. has such
infinite variety in it. when you have to crack one hundred eggs.
all in a row.
# # #
tomas left today. hitching to dc to pick up his passport.
then brazil. columbia. a run of coke back to europe. sell it out
in switzerland. three years in new orleans. living under a bridge.
he will never return.
# # #
pulling tricks on the streets of new orleans. bourbon
street. by the oz club. the bourbon pub. as stuart raymond luke
sit on the steps. cars driving by. scoping out. seeing what they
want. you can tell. when they drive by. two three four times.
then they stop. do you need a ride. depends how thick your wallet
is. can you fold it? get in. sometimes to a motel room. sometimes
to the back of the car. always only one person in the car. never
get in with multiple trolls.
prices. fifty dollars an hour. base rate. a hundred
to receive a blow job. a hundred fifty to give. always using condoms.
stuart would never be a bottom but for two hundred hed fuck a
guy. luke needed five hundred. he might be a bottom for more.
jacques. lukes boyfriend. from paris. eight thousand dollars.
three nights. letting some old man give him a blow job. then sleep
next to him. getting drinks in the bar. taken out to dinner. hustling
money on the side. its a way to make a living.
# # #
vampires. wolven. faeries. elves. and i begin to
wonder these days if such things really exist. ive seen strange
things. things i never thought id ever believe. and im learning
how merlin. and morgan le fay. lancelot. all really existed. so
why not the faeries and elves that surrounded them. and in new
orleans. miriam. the so-called vampire. was she. and she dated
a wolven. and later referred to a play thing as an elvin boy.
and didnt stuart say toby had faerie blood. that he should go
back amongst the people he belonged. and ive seen the tattoos
of a wolf. and the star he earned the right to wear. like another
star on another wolf i saw. and ive heard him howl. ive seen the
hunters. which are real if nothing else. watching the people they
think are supernatural. vampires. wolven. out to kill with silver
bullets. stakes. and how strange can all this be. compared to
the strange often scary bizarre people considered normal in this
society. i find the people i see in the mall or on the bus every
day much harder to believe than some other race that practises
magick and keeps itself hidden. having evolved a little bit differently
because of an exclusive gene pool.
# # #
i have discovered god. the statement itself is so
much more powerful than the reality. god is the universe. the
universe is god. we are all god. part of the universe. containing
the entire universe within. without. there is no in or out. no
separation between me. or you. and the rest of the universe/god.
like a moebius strip. all one side. one thought. twisting in on
itself. infinitely. all time. all untime. everything. the universe/god
is all-knowing because it is all there is. it is all-powerful
because anything/everything is part of it. and good/evil. what
are these things? like time/untime. when did it all start someone
asks. when? start? the universe is/isnt. when does a movie start?
at the beginning? a movie reel then? no start/end/beginning. time
is inside it. a part of its existence. there is no time on the
outside. why is there a universe/god? before/after/now. only void.
void of everything. all laws. even the law of spontaneous creation.
so the universe/god exists (not). because it can. so it does/doesnt.
just a thought. twisting in on itself at every point. inside/outside/part
of everything.
in new orleans. kaldis. the statement to unlock god.
the universe is the infinite youve been looking for. you are the
universe. and even all these words still cannot explain it.
# # #
going backwards. body moving. electrified. electrocution.
energy pulsing up down along inside. new reality. a blanket.
no, a body. have to dispose of the body. so i pick it up. slouched
over my back. carry it to the river. moving across the room. hunched.
blanket/body. shouldering. next room. i throw the body into the
river. people wake up as the blanket hits them. the mattress they
were lying on. next reality. jo coming in to see if im alright.
her face. melts away. morphs into a cop. blue uniform. the squats
being busted. shit. running into the living room again. reality.
jane. jo. raven. four hits of pot. skunk. kneeling. watching janes
face. rocking in and out. i stand up and am surfing. the waves
around me. rocking the surf. wipe out and i jump to a desert.
silks desert. when she trips. then out again across a half dozen
realities.
the fountain coke cup suddenly multiplies. now four
on the shelf. with little white legs. doing a chorus line dance.
then jumping. off the shelf into oblivion. one by one. more hallucinations.
realities. and every once in a while i jump into the one i started
in. mydian squat. smoking pot with john and randy. i go to sleep
that night with realities still flashing through my mind. yet
less intense. i know how it is to trip on pot. and it is time
to quit for a while.
# # #
kissing her. biting her. nipples. lips. tongues fighting.
in. out. bite and suck. scratching her back till it bleeds. her
my back. stomach. breasts. biting. sucking on nipples. feeling
pain and turning it into pleasure. kissing. hard. violently. growling.
bite the lip. fierce. grabbing each other. pulling. here. there.
our bodies together. then apart. crotches rubbing. like two animals.
grab hair. pull back the head. and bite the neck. tear. she. sucking.
biting. until the neck is purple. deep. scratching biting. more
viciously. until it hurts all by itself. then gentle. light. spider
touching. rubbing. relaxing. holding each other. physical pain.
exertion. turned into physical pleasure. orgasm. fire.
# # #
the traveller is the fool. travelling through the
world. the deck. experiencing everything. everyone. becoming.
he has stopped at the end. unnumbered. awaiting to become the
last thing. the universe.
to travel the outer worlds. and not the inner worlds.
of the mind. the self. unbalanced. like exploring the self. and
not the outside. a master may be able to discover the self in
the world around. or the world. found inside. but the child needs
to explore both. to discover they are one.
so i am the child and the fool. exploring the world
and myself together. through travelling. reading. drugs. living.
thinking. becoming everything/one along the way. to become the
universe. the thought form. once again.
# # #
(i am slowly going mad.....)
# # #
reality is perspective. as you walk around a globe.
set motionless in the centre of a room. changing shape. colour.
image. as you. change perspective. now an eliptoid. a cube. a
tree. a car. continue walking. perspective changing reality. what
is clockwise. but counterclockwise viewed from a different perspective.
left. right. good. evil. everything is one. changing into different
realities as perspectives form. we all live in our own form of
reality. our own perspective. is one more right than another?
perhaps. because looking at the globe. i might be far away and
not be able to see the details. or too close and not able to see
the shape. or my vision could be blurry. the globe might not have
as much light on it from this angle. or something could be blocking
my view. losing all touch with the globe. reality. so i move around
the globe. changing perspectives. trying to get a better view.
so i can understand what im looking at. sometimes people say,
heh, come over here. look at it from this point. other times i
just blunder onto a spot. and like a camera. focusing short and
long. adjusting until it is perfectly in focus. remembering perspectives.
and helping you remember how you got here from there. so you can
call someone else over to have a look. to enjoy it together. or
to get an opinion. what do you think of this view. analogy. perspective.
and sometimes people like views that dont tell them
as much. that are a bit blurry. or are in black and white. maybe
upside down. whatever. there are many ways of changing reality
to make it more beautiful. enjoyable. just like a photograph.
so no view is better than any other. all up to personal opinion.
just some might be more in focus. more technically rendered. i
like picasso. but you might like rembrandt.
# # #
last night on robo. masturbating. and as i did so
my entire body began to elongate. like in alice in wonderland.
so long. and my hand felt so far away. reaching down. moving up
along this stiff column of flesh on the other side of the room.
then even more feeling beyond that. of my feet. so far away. i
felt so long and thin. and when i had come. and finished. my body
returned to normal once again.
# # #
i explain to raven about watching julian drip wax
on miriams back. how i watched the pain. her chest heaving. so
arousing. and how i wanted to masturbate. but didnt. he says.
outside these walls. this domain called mydian. is society. with
rules we must follow. inside. here. our rules are different. do
anything you want. as long as you dont destroy or endanger our
family. our home. if you feel the need to masturbate, do so. and
i realise, later on, that the social mores of our society are
different than general america. as i walk in a room upstairs and
ask for a light to light my candle. and in the room are two couples
side by side having sex. some others in the room talking. sleeping.
and one couple stops and looks around for a light. while the other
couple continues. and someone hands me a lighter. no one should
ever be ashamed. and accept all deviants.
# # #
when i took mescalin. i learned a whole new dimension
to drugs. taking drugs. doing. experiencing. it was there for
moments only. but that realisation. the power to control the drug.
direct it. make it affect only the parts of you you want affected.
in ways you want. conscious control. so different than otherwise.
just taking a drug. and letting it move within you. do what it
will. with you there. watching. escaping. getting high. sometimes
learning. the shaman. religious people. oracles. performing ceremonies.
knew how to take drugs. not taking to get lost in oneself. but
to find out more of oneself. and use that altered state. to do
something. consciously. so last night i began my journey into
a new form of altered consciousness. one that i control. and i
hope to do something. find what im looking for.
# # #
wisdom comes not from growing old, but from experiencing
pain and joy. it comes from exploring worlds. all worlds. all
those inside and all those outside. and from watching. and learning
from others exploring those worlds, experiencing.